"Chrissy Teigen Buys a Horse" by Jason Norman — Our June 2024 Bronze Medal Winner

Jason is our third place winner from the contest posted in our June 2024 issue!

What the judges had to say:

“A testament to how society works these days, and with this tale readers are lured into the fleeting, temporariness of what is fashionable and can ‘usually’ be purchased. Especially significant, the refusal to permit wanton desires proves that not everything can be bought. Congratulations for a story that lingers in the mind and provokes further thinking. ”

“Very mature writing. Minor conflicts are hinted at and marbled into the narrative slowly, as needed.”

“...an interesting view into a different perspective.”

Meet Jason

Jason Lee Norman is the editor of Funicular Magazine. He lives and writes in Edmonton.

Chrissy Teigen Buys a Horse

the unedited story by Jason Norman

She posts a picture of it on social media. The caption reads “I did not buy a horse! LOL'' because she didn’t really buy the horse. She just pays to come visit the horse and ride him sometimes. The horse’s name is Wimpy. Chrissy will visit him every Tuesday and Thursday and take riding lessons. Wimpy is a Kentucky Saddler. Many websites report that Chrissy Teigen paid $26,000 for the horse.

At the stables they have one cardinal rule. It is burned into a piece of wood above the main office: “Never fall in love with a horse”. Chrissy Teigen laughs out loud at this sign. Horse therapy is going really well, she thinks to herself.

Why horse therapy? Well it could have been anything really. It could have been painting or yoga or weightlifting. The point was to pick something that was just for her. Being a mother and being professionally beautiful on the Internet and being funny on the Internet are full time jobs and most people don’t realize that. Chrissy doesn’t have to train the horse or teach it anything. The horse already knows what to do. Chrissy has to teach herself everything. She has to teach herself to be calm and let go of all fear before getting on the horse. Nobody else can teach her what she needs to do to ride Wimpy but her. Not John Legend. Not Meghan Markle. A relationship with a horse is like any relationship. It’s about trust, and sharing your treats. If she can’t get Wimpy to trust her then it’s just another thing she has failed at, and a waste of money too. A waste of that twenty grand the tabloids said she paid.

The weight of the saddle and Chrissy Teigen on Wimpy’s back is comparable to a human carrying a three month old baby. They can walk for hours and the horse will carry all of her grief and all of her shame without complaint as they trot together up and down the narrow trails of Topanga Canyon or Malibu State Park or Calabasas where the Kardashians live. The horse will do all this for only $91/hour and a handful of sugar cubes and maybe an apple or two.

A few months go by and Chrissy Teigen pays a visit to the main office of the stables. The one with the sign above it. I’m sorry, she says, but I broke the one rule. I love Wimpy and I think we’ve really bonded over the past few months. He has really helped me. The owner’s name is Gretchen. Her husband Roy put that sign above the door twenty years ago, and you’re free to guess why. Chrissy tells Gretchen that she would like to buy Wimpy and keep him at a stable closer to their home.

I’m sorry, Gretchen says, but you can’t have him. You broke the one rule. Is this a joke? I’m not joking.

I know you’re not joking, Chrissy Teigen. You cannot buy Wimpy.

Is this a test? Like Willy Wonka?

This is not a test like Willy Wonka. Go home with your family. Maybe we will see you on Tuesday?

And Chrissy Teigen did go home with her family. John Legend was there, plus the little ones. They read them stories and put the kids to bed together for the first time in weeks and then watched the sun disappear into the Pacific Ocean.

Use the comment form below to let Jason know what you thought of his story.