Waiting for the Sing
an excerpt
It’s been almost a year since Rachel left. Nothing catastrophic happened. No cheating or financial crisis. She simply said, “I don’t love you anymore.”
How do you argue against that?
I try not to ruminate. Repairing IT issues keeps me busy; my presence causing office workers to turtle into themselves, nervous I’ll discover they’ve been on non-work-related websites—which happens all the time. Dating sites. Erectile dysfunction blogs. Alcohol abuse questionnaires. I act like I don’t notice a thing.
Weekdays mirror one another in the small town until Friday afternoon when I sneak home to have a nap at three, a tiny rebellion. By the time I wake, it’s almost five, and who cares where I am at quitting time?
This Friday, I shower, pull on my jeans and choose a loose cotton shirt imprinted with bamboo shoots—an attempt to camouflage my burgeoning middle. I refold the towel in thirds and adjust the shampoo bottle so the design faces outward like Rachel prefers. Small details make a big impact, she always said.
There’s no need for these small ceremonies anymore. Alphabetized spice jars, or the toilet paper rolling from underneath. Still, I imagine her arriving out-of-the-blue, pounding on the door, saying, I was wrong, Andy. Take me back. The thought of her finding the place in shambles makes me shudder.
Streets thick with shadows, I walk to the Rusty Nail. Mick usually beats me there. Rufus, too, although he’s been booking more gigs lately. Tonight, Mick is alone.
“How’s it hanging?” he says as I hoist myself onto the neighbouring stool. I’ve gained over thirty pounds since Rachel left. Fat fuelled by beer, four a.m. refrigerator raids, and the hopeful belief Nutella slathered on honey-dip donuts will fill the gnawing hole in my gut.
I pat my stomach. “Almost to my knees.”
Mick chuckles and my shoulders relax.
“The usual, right?” the bartender says. She slides a mug across the bar. It stops in front of me, froth spilling. I wipe the polished maple counter, scarred with interlocking circles. Like wedding rings.
